SPIRITUAL VS. SECULAR

TRUTH VS. ILLUSION 

 
MIDWAY THROUGH THE JOURNEY OF OUR LIVES, we come to many spiritual crossroads: Catholicism vs. Protestantism, Creationism vs. Darwinism, Church’s vs. Popeye’s.

This past summer Church’s Chicken unveiled a new slogan: Full Flavor, Full Pockets, Full Life. The message is undeniably spiritual, combining the Catholic spirit of indulgence with the Protestant spirit of thrift. Church’s is the spiritual chicken, what you eat with your family after Sunday service. Full Flavor, Full Pockets, Full Life.

    Love that chicken from Popeye’s
    You’ll dig the way it’s fried.
    Feels so good inside,
    The best you’ve ever tried.

The message is undeniably sexual: “Feels so good inside. The best you’ve ever tried.” Popeye’s is the secular, sexual chicken, what you eat before and after making love.

But as the Reverend Al Green said, “When I sing a song about loving a woman, and when I sing a song about loving God, I’m singing the same song.” Spiritual and secular are one. Church’s and Popeye’s are owned by the same company: AFC (America’s Favorite Chicken) Enterprises.

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In Atlanta, Georgia, home of AFCE headquarters, spiritual and secular are not far removed. In Midtown, on the corner of Monroe and Ponce de Leon, Church’s and Popeye’s are right across the street.

2002 marks Popeye’s 30th anniversary, and in celebration the restaurant was renovated. The new structure has stucco walls, a Spanish tile roof, and a balcony for when girls go Popeye’s. (And, believe me, the beads are in abundance). For the past thirty years, people have been “loving that chicken,” but now Popeye’s has a new slogan: “We do good ba-you.” Please note the grammatical complexity. Good as both adjective and adverb; Bayou as direct object (Popeye makes fine food) and adverbial phrase (Popeye got your back).  

If you’re out on the town and looking for a fancy fast-food restaurant, go to Popeye’s. The floors are freshly waxed; exotic plants are in every window; from fifteen-foot ceilings hang fans of the finest quality. TV screens serve as menus, while over premium loudspeakers floats Satchmo’s sanctified horn, “Hello, Dolly!”

Though Church’s is the spiritual chicken, Popeye’s is a temple to the tastebuds. “Straight From Flavor Heaven” comes their food; customers are known as “flavor seekers.” At Popeye’s they don’t serve Mr. Pibb, they serve Pibb Xtra. The pink lemonade is “poppin”; the nuggets “kicked up.” For 99 cents you can add a “Shrimp Craver pak” (that’s p-a-k) to any combo. The best item on the menu is the “breast substitution up-charge” for 89 cents.

All of Popeye’s clientele are well dressed. They have come to Popeye’s to celebrate their success. Y’all all know him, the fast food cashier who doesn’t greet you, doesn’t ask you if you want your combo super-sized, doesn’t say nothing when he hands back your change. But at Popeye’s the employees are friendly, happy. Even the chickens on the wall are smiling. Feels so good inside. The best you’ve ever tried.

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Full Flavor, Full Pockets, Full Life. Church’s message is spiritual, Catholic in taste, Protestant in décor. There is no music, no speakers, no artwork on the walls. Not a dime is spent on atmosphere. But the savings are passed on to you. Church’s calls themselves “your leader in value.” They also call themselves “your value leader.” Today at Church’s, $1.79 will get you a two-piece dark with biscuit and potatoes. $1.99 will get you ten livers and a biscuit. Ten pieces of chicken, four biscuits and family potatoes . . . $6.99. With “Big Pieces, Little Prices,” “What you do with the savings is your business. Big juicy chicken is ours.”

The clientele at Church’s are not as concerned with their appearance. As I was enjoying my $1.99 three-piece, an emaciated lady in green spandex burst through the door and into the bathroom—a long dry heave followed by a long silence and then a long sigh of relief. Outside the window, a man pulled a bottle of vodka out his back pocket, took a nip, then poured some in his partner’s cup. Inside the restaurant a pleasantly-plump woman in a pink housedress insisted on choosing her own chicken legs, “No, not that one. The one in the middle. Nah, the one behind.”

And then came the revelation: Church’s is truth, Popeye’s illusion. How convenient: the Spiritual is Truth and the Secular is Illusion. One problem: the secular is infinitely better. Church’s can’t compete with Flavor Heaven. And yet they do. In 2001, with 1.5 billion in sales, Popeye’s was the second highest grossing Chicken chain; Churches was third with 1.2. But with Popeye’s just across the street, why would anyone choose Church’s?

Full Flavor, Full Pockets, Full Life. Church’s is cheap; Church’s is real. When at Church’s be thankful you’re alive; when at Popeye’s be thankful you’re not at Church’s.