Jesus was a Capricorn. 

IN THE EARLY AFTERNOON of January 15, 1969, Elvis Aron Presley rose out of his nine-foot bed and walked downstairs to the Jungle Room, the walls and ceiling now shag-carpeted into a recording studio.  Awaiting him was his usual breakfast of a pound of bacon, a dozen eggs, and a three-liter of strawberry soda, but on that afternoon the King lacked his usual voracity.  He knew he must make a decision, about the song.  Colonel Tom did not want him to record it.  Political, especially the subtitle, “the vicious cycle.”

Elvis glanced at the papers. Today was Dr. King’s birthday, the first passing of Dr. King’s birthday without Reverend Dr. King.  Eight months earlier, he had been shot, in Memphis, Tennessee.  Long live the King.

Elvis took a long sip of cold, strawberry soda.  The gun was loaded, but now was not the time to shoot out a television set.  He took another sip and then stole a glance at the Mack Davis lyrics. 
 
                               On a cold and gray Chicago morning
                               A poor little baby child is born
                               In the Ghetto.

Elvis knew that boy, for the boy was himself.   His father had served nine-months for forgery.  And his momma cried.  Many years ago, he had been that hungry little boy with a runny nose / plays in the street as the cold wind blows . . . in the ghetto.

Mack Davis was right: The cycle was vicious, eternal.  The few would make it; the many would not; the chosen must.  But the shag carpet of the Jungle Room was  gold, the bacon smelled just like frankincense, and his pomade, in the moonlight, had the very glisten of  myrrh.   As he looked within, The King  saw the light.  “And when they saw the star, they rejoiced with exceeding great joy” (Matthew 2:10).

Elvis then decided to record the song—to make the Epiphany—to the birth of Robert Sylvester Kelly, who was born a week earlier, in Chicago, on the same day as Elvis Aron Presley.

“I haven’t studied Elvis,” R Kelly says, “but I’ve followed enough interviews and documentaries of him to know.  And I see parallels.”

But a white jumpsuit and a black-belt would make a megalomaniac out of anybody.  As would a fifteen-year-old Aayillah, or a fourteen-year-old Priscilla.

On the Eighth of January, we have the King and the Pied Piper.  Angels and demons in disguise.  Kelly in his mask; the King in his sideburns and sunglasses.   

We will begin with the songs that made them.
 

1. “That’s All Right (Mama).”  Elvis’s first radio hit, recorded on July 4, 1954, on Independence Day in the first year of desegregation.  On the night of its debut, the DJ received seventy-seven calls and the song was played eleven consecutive times.  His pelvis remained unknown.   
2.  “Feeling on Your Booty.”  The last single released before the February 2002 scandal that never was.  As Kelly says, “That is not me in that video.  That is not me” (2000).
 
3.  Your letters are marked “Return to Sender” (1962),
4.  “When a Woman’s Fed Up (1997).
 
5.  The King is a hunka-hunka “Burning Love” (1972),
6.  But R Kelly will “Strip for You” (2000). Tonight I’m gonna pull a switcharoo.  Do you mind if I strip for you?
              
7.  “In the Ghe-tto” (1969).
8.  “Gotham City” for the Ghe-tto (1997).  In this masterpiece, R Kelly has no money, no friends, no clothes, no food, no shoes.  He is so down and out, he just barely has a used Cadillac.
 
9.   “If I Could Turn Back the Hands of Time” expresses the feeling known by every man who has disregarded a loyal woman (1999). She was committed, was committed for more, but your snake led you away, perhaps to younger gardens, and now, as soon as she becomes cold, you can see both her wisdom and your folly, especially now that you’re facing “the rest of your life alone.”  At the end of the song, in thirty triumphant seconds, R Kelly sings “love you” five times, with five seconds for each “you.”
10.  “I Can’t Help Falling in Love With You” (1961). I can’t tell y’all the story.  It’s between me, Jesus, and Megan Louise.
 
  
11.  “Love Me Tender”(1956)
12.  Because there is “Only One Me” (2000).   “Love Me Tender” is a religious song, in tone and content.   To find yourself you must lose yourself, and here Elvis shines the light on his beloved.  “Only One Me,” on the other hand, is a love song about R Kelly.  If you open the dictionary and look under “love,” he swears you’re going to find his face.  But when you sing along, you are R Kelly.  I’m a winner, I’m a winner, I’m a winner, I’m a winner in bed (yes I am.) Go to dinner, Go to dinner, Go to dinner.   I eat my dinner in bed (yes I do).
 
13.  “Suspicious Minds” (1969).
14.  “Ignition” (remix, 2003).  While Elvis made every song that was written for him, R Kelly makes every song he sings.  Which explains his obsession with the remix.  The song has already been mastered, and so the remix is totally unnecessary, and totally number One.
 
15.  You can do anything but stay off of my “Blue Suede Shoes” (1956).
16.  You’ve got to understand, stepping is not just a dance, it’s a culture, it’s what we eat, drink, and breathe.  “Step in the Name of Love.” (2003).
 
17.  What Elvis started with “Let’s Play House”(1955)
18.  Fifty years later (2005) R Kelly finishes with “Sex in the Kitchen”/ over by the stove/ put  you on the counter, by the butter rolls.

In 1977, when Elvis passed, there were 70 Elvis impersonators.  Today, there are over 100,000.  If this rate of growth continues, in 2018, a third of the world’s population will be Elvis impersonators (thenakedscientists.com).

And if the “scandal” has proved anything, it is that R Kelly is unkillable. 

The Eight of January.  The King and the Pied Piper.  Their seriousness we find amusing, and yet they too can laugh at themselves. As Kelly says, "If a joke is funny, I don't care if it's about me or if it's about Gumby, I'm gonna laugh at it, because I'm a joker, too. We all got our day to be roasted.”

Keep it real.

Keep it Rodney.