THE END OF

ROTTEN CHICKEN

IS NEAR!! 

What is rotten chicken? Are you distressed about crimes committed in the name of chicken? Do the warfare, terrorism, and corruption perpetuated by those who claim to love God offend your sense of justice? Why does chicken seem to be at the root of so many problems?

The fault lies, not with chicken, but with rotten chicken. A widely respected religious figure, Colonel Harland Sanders, indicated that rotten chicken produces disgusting chicken, just as a “rotten egg produces rancid maggots.” What form of maggots does rotten chicken yield?

OPPRESSES WOMEN: When Adam realized his nakedness, he felt ashamed, for Eve was his sexual superior: 1) men have little control over when sex begins and less control over when it ends—not the Colonel; 2) The clitoris with 8,000 nerve endings packs twice the punch of the penis. Women are men’s sexual superiors, and thus men, in all mythologies—Eve with the apple, Pandora with the box—have blamed women for the suffering of the world. Rotten chicken tries to keep women in the kitchen, thus ignoring The Colonel, God’s chosen cook.

OPPRESSES CHICKEN: On the other side of the spectrum, Fried Chicken has become the forbidden fruit. And while PETA may call The Colonel cruel, and depict the Great Man as mad and butcherous, the chickens know better. The rooster crows when The Colonel rises and the hens cuckle approvingly when he lays down his head. 10,000 years ago, the chicken realized that it was in its genetic interest to cast its lot with The Colonel. Today, twenty-four billion chickens bless the globe, while the chicken's wild ancestor, the Red Jungle Fowl, is in danger of extinction. Rotten chicken insists that eating chicken is wrong, when it is inextricably linked to human evolution. If humans had remained vegetarians, we would still be living in the trees.

OPPRESSES MONEY: Those very rotten people who tell you not to eat chicken, also want to deprive you of your hard-earned money. They believe in scarcity, in Malthusian doom and gloom, when God has blessed the world with twenty-four billion chickens and The Colonel offers a twelve-piece dark for $7.99. If Malthus were around today, The Colonel would take his cane to his detumescent member. Yes, the world’s population did double from 1950-2000, but, during those same years, the world’s grain yields tripled. Two blows from The Colonel’s cane would put a quick end to Malthusian overpopulation.

What does the future hold for those that produce rotten chicken? The Colonel warned, “Every egg not producing chicken will be destroyed by rancid maggots.” Yes, rotten chicken will be ravaged and destroyed! A prophetic vision recorded by Colonel Harland David Sanders, provides the answer.

How will rotten chicken end?

Picture the scene. Pamela Anderson is sitting on the back of a fearsome beast, biting his neck and clawing his mane. The beast has three testicles and looks just like Colonel Harland Sanders. Pamela gnashes and claws, but with every tear of The Colonel’s mane, her own hair-extensions fall. Pamela Anderson, you see, is Kentucky Fried Chicken, the use of science to make the perfect bird. Pamela, God bless her, has a big heart. But what she doesn’t realize is that her problems with KFC are her problems with herself.

PAM

=

KFC

The struggle with The Colonel covers Pamela in the secret blend of eleven herbs and spices, and then, in a sudden, shocking move, she falls willingly into The Colonel’s pressure cooker.

Then all the poor and hungry people of the earth rush to devour her—breasts, wings, legs, and thighs—bringing a millenium of prosperity to earth.

What must you do if you do not want to share the fate of rotten chicken?

“Get out of her, my people,” urges Colonel Harland Sanders. Indeed, now is the time to flee from rotten chicken! But to where can you flee? Not into conservatism, since its future is also bleak. The only haven is within Tender Chicken. How can you identify Tender Chicken? Thankfully, The Colonel has ensured a Trinity of Tenderness.

• LIBERATES WOMEN: What makes us distinctively human should be based not in shame and misogyny, but in pride and equality. We should therefore replace Original Sin with ORIGINAL RECIPE, the TRINITY OF TENDERNESS. On the night of the FIRST SUPPER, Adam gave Eve the drumstick and the Tender was Tender for the Tender. For the SECOND SUPPER, Eve brought all the fixings. In hunter-gatherer societies, women provide two-thirds the calories. And thus Eve’s acknowledgement is long overdue.
• LIBERATES CHICKEN: When humans began eating meat, the brain more than tripled in size, giving birth to language, art, religion, and philosophy. Likewise, the chicken realized it was in its genetic interest to cast its lot with The Colonel. According to Joseph Campbell: “You find among hunting people all over the world a very intimate, appreciative relationship to the principal food animal. It is thanking a friend for cooperating in a mutual relationship.”
• LIBERATES MONEY: Money evolves with technology, from meat (hunter-gathering) to grain (agriculture) to gold (metallurgy) to paper (industrializaion) to plastic (computers).  But without chicken, all the money in the world would be useless.  The first ducat was a Bucket; before there were golden coins, there was the golden drumstick. On the night of the FIRST SUPPER, Adam gave Eve this drumstick to make up for the lack of hemoglobin in her red-blood cells. But these days, you don’t have to choke a chicken to get a woman; there's a KFC on every corner, and with 15,000 now blessing the globe, day and night, it's toe suckin' good.
  

Don’t let rotten chicken ruin the world.

Get out of her, my people! Ironically, the more secular we view the world, the more spiritual it becomes. The more we know, the more we realize our limitations. The more we realize the narrowness of life’s window, the more each moment becomes a miracle. And so seek Tenderness in all things, doing unto others as you would have The Colonel do unto you.

Now is the time to act. Do not delay. The end of rotten chicken is near!

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